When Valentine’s Day Triggers Old Wounds in Marriage

Good morning, my friend. Happy Valentine’s Day 🤍

The past few days stirred something deep inside of me.

Holidays have a way of doing that — especially when you carry childhood wounds.

When Expectations Aren’t Really About the Flowers

Last night my husband went to the store. I asked for Valentine’s chocolate and flowers. He came home with groceries, a beautiful chocolate box… and small flowers.

And I got upset.

Not because of the flowers.

But because somewhere inside of me, I was that little girl again — the one who was never celebrated.

The one whose birthdays didn’t matter.

The one who heard “we can’t afford it” over and over again.

The one who worked hard, helped raise siblings, did chores — and still didn’t feel seen.

In that moment, it wasn’t about bouquet size.

It was about a lifetime of feeling unworthy.

Expecting My Husband to Heal My Childhood

Sometimes I expect my husband to perform some radical gesture of love that magically erases all the neglect I experienced growing up.

That’s an impossible burden to place on a man who is already trying his best.

He bought the chocolate.

He made me two cups of tea.

He made sure I was comfortable holding our son.

And I kept arguing about the flowers.

At one point he gently said, “Look within.”

That sentence stopped me.

Because he was right.

Marriage Is a Mirror

I recently heard a Harvard professor say that eye contact is essential in relationships — especially for women. So I’ve been trying to look into my husband’s eyes when we speak.

When I really look at him, I see a kind man.

I see a patient man.

I see a man who deserves my softness.

But sometimes my unresolved wounds turn him into the villain of a story he didn’t create.

I once heard Dr. Gabor Maté share how being late to the airport triggered deep abandonment trauma from infancy. That’s how wounds work. A small present moment event activates a very old memory.

And suddenly, it feels bigger than it is.

That was me last night.

Choosing Responsibility Instead of Blame

The truth is:

I love my family.

I love my life.

I would not trade my husband or my children for the world.

But I have to take responsibility for my healing.

My husband said something that struck me deeply:

“How you treat me is the kind of wife our son will one day be drawn to.”

That pierced my heart.

I don’t want my son growing up thinking love equals nagging, resentment, or emotional outbursts.

I want him to witness respect. Grace. Softness. Partnership.

And that begins with me.

Healing the Little Girl Inside

When I look honestly at my reactions, I see this:

I didn’t feel celebrated as a child.

I didn’t feel seen.

I didn’t feel valued.

So now, as an adult woman, I sometimes demand celebration instead of calmly asking for what I need.

But here’s what I’m learning:

I am worthy of love.

I am worthy of flowers.

I am worthy of being seen.

And I don’t need to attack to receive it.

I can ask kindly.

I can communicate clearly.

I can choose calm over chaos.

That is maturity. That is healing.

This Valentine’s Day

This Valentine’s Day, I’m choosing to:

Take responsibility for my emotional triggers

Stop blaming my husband for childhood wounds

Ask for help with grace

Offer the same patience I receive

Marriage is not about perfection. It’s about growth.

And today, I’m growing.

Happy Valentine’s Day to you 🤍

With love,

Cristina Shubin